remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
