i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
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