Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize