i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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