i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
