the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
