just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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