During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
my shit smells like andre
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize