i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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