So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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