the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
