My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Ladies don't puke and tell
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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