The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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