The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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