Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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