I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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