The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
