Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
They have beer where we have blood.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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