Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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