If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
