I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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