She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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