I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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