i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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