i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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