Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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