I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
