i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize