i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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