I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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