I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
