Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
