my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
