Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
