Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
