mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize