see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
