I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
