I think I am morally bankrupt
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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