There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
