i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
