Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
