um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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