I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
