Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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