conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
