I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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