i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
