Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
