The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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