You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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