Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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