He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
