My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
