Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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