apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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