The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
