I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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