I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
