So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize