the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I said "one day" and that day is not today
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
