U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
