I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
