they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I did not marry a roomba.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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