U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
