I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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